i'm getting serious

i'm full blown now. and nobody can stop me. i've got all this inspiration and all this knowledge to put to use. i know i can do this, i know i'm strong enough(: today begins a new chapter

accepted

i'm feeling a lot better today than i did the past couple of days. And it's nice to know that i'm fine just the way i am right now(:

Getting my car superr soon! Quite excited actually. And in less than 2 months i can get my license. FINALLY

Blahblahblah, inspiration is still in effect! even though it almost went away 2 days ago. But i'm back on it(:

we saw

i have recently gained the skill to block out things almost completely and i use it nearly everyday.
i have become very good at pretending to myself and others.
i have learned this thing called "holding it all in" and i'm using it multiple times a day--okay, all day.
i have more going on inside than i do outside.
inside:countless, outside:zero
i am now okay with what is going to happen to me, and i'm learning to live with it.
i no longer care about what i think.

leave

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 had such a nice line in it that sums up my last couple of months perfectly: "Cars are easy, it's people who need manuals."
Well, thankYOU.
And now i'm where i knew id end up somehow, and it really doesnt matter so much since i've been expecting it. Yeah i never come first to anyone, yeah i let people walk all over me, yeah i get pushed around, yeah i've let everyone get away with it my whole life. Am i the only one who's noticed??
At leats there's one person i can trust. That's all you need, right?

nouveau commencement

My lucky lucky cousin gets to go to medical school in New York, boo hoo i want to go! Gahh he's going to be so so smart I WANT HIS BRAIN! blehh, so there was a gooodbye party for him and it was hot and ants ate my feet ): But i somehow got new clothes:D

-i'm really starting to take a liking to Amy Winehouse and i have no idea why. Well, i do know why.
-i am quite proud of myself, i'll have to remember the date so i can celebrate in a month
-CY CY CY CY !!

hmm i'm content(:

Suck Sess

Today was going to be Adventure Day With Aaron, and oh what an adventure we had. Street fair? Eh, there were cool kids there, we left. Michaels? Got materials to make a present for me and Mel! Went home? waited for the rest of our adventure to begin, for several hours. Andy came? Followed by a call by Mel to go visit her. Oh, sadness trying to find Kim's house, finally found it. Me--> ): Went home. Made up&out. Current Me--> (: i really love how things work out for me, and how i never stay mad for long<3



inspiration is beginning to take effect!:DDDDDDD
i could scream with happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweetheart, bitter heart

Ehh, what can i say? i'm psychic. Sometimes its a good thing, so i don't get my hopes up for things that won't happen? Blehh, and i care because..?

This heat is really starting to get to me. i just want to be wrapped up in a blanket and drinking hot chocolate in the north pole right now. But no, california is the lamest hottest place and i cannot stand it! i cant wait to move-_- ..whenever that might be.

It's already 5?! Well finally time is starting to go at normal speed. And it's finally August!! weee(: Birthday in 28 days? Oh, how lovelyy. During school again, yay! And senior pictures that day too! Finally i can breath again.

I have come to realize that i'm really not. NOT NOT NOT! And nobody is changing my mind. And nothing will let me see otherwise. Maybe one day i will be. But for now, i am totally and completely NOT.

all the rabbits

SO, for todays plan: disneyland with people i love(:
and i'm really, really hoping it happens. Because if it doesnt, i will be sad.

I want a scientist to invent a dream recorder. That way when i dream up something good or scary i can show people and they can feel the exact goodness or fear i felt(:

THIS SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD ><
Even on summer days she'd complain
She couldn't take the chill out of her bones
Maybe I took her from her mother too early
I put her outside in the sunshine

inspiration

And here i am again, mulling over these ideas in my head that need yet to grow. i always, always, always find people or things that inspire me to become something "else" and i always, always, always soak in that inspiration and let it take me where ever and i always, always, always let it go. And thats why this time is different. i want to be able to look back exactly one year from now and think a)i have it or b)i had it and moving on/keeping it. "It" is quite important to me and "it" is neither a person, place, or thing. "It" is a feeling/being that i think i've needed nearly my whole life. And i promise, i'll reach "it".

On to what i've been up to lately:nothing. Except enjoying the presence of those who come to visit. And all that will be changed in a SNAP (another one of the few inspirations i've acquired lately). And today was possibly the biggest, saddest something that has happened all summer:
It starts with way back when i was 12 or 13 and my tooth decided to cause me pain and make me endure a root canal. So sad. And recently i changed dentists and found out i needed to have a crown put on my tooth. So today's dentist's visit consisted of "prepping" the tooth for the crown. Little did i know i was going to be given a shot that Mr.Dentist put in so slowly, tons of drills drilling in my ears, and the most numb face i have ever had. Boo hoo ): But luckily, my mom felt bad for not warning me about all the displeasure and finally bought my camera. Which was stolen (read the post before this one). So i've pretty much got all the gadgets i had before they all went away. Even though i had a close call with my phone (it went swimming and died for a night) and ipod (which was stuck and almost needed to "reset" it ?). Yay, we can breathe, vanessa almost has her life back(:

And something i've noticed about myself: i love learning. Yeah, weird. But everytime i'm home sick from school (or in today's case, stuck with a limp face and embarrassed to talk due to my lame lip) i always look for tv shows that are about weird history or crime shows (the real ones, not the scripted kind) or pretty much anything that will teach me something. My brain gets so restless so easily which is probably my #2 reason for my hatred of summer (#1 is heat, blegh). Which i guess isn't such a bad problem to have, i like knowing things(:

And i like being okay with myself, which i need to learn to do a bit better.

restricted

if i could be anything right now, id be a psychic police officer with a black belt in karate and a bloodhound that can sniff out lies.

and i know why i'm having bad luck today. not only am i not wearing the glitter jelly rings i wear everyday that i got from san diego, but i'm also not wearing the bracelet andy made me that i wear everyday. why? because i'm dumb and forget things all the time. i thought i had fixed my memory already! i need to keep tabs on pretty much everything now, thankyou. and i need tracking devices and satellites on everything i own because i just cant put things where i can find/hide them.

Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern

once again, i was right about pretty much everything. at first i thought it was a bad thing. but then i realized how true that marilyn monroe quote was. (as much as i hate quotes ><) and pretty much its been one big surprise, good&bad, one after another. some werent as surprising, but others hit me like a ups truck. but even after all these things happened, i dont think id want to go back and change the outcome. because one thing i can't stand is when people go through hard times or sad times and want so badly to just go back and have it go their way, the way things were suppposed to happen. when really, all those moments have a little lesson inside of them. and instead of looking at it and learning from it, people turn the other way and stay focused in how horrible of a situation theyre in and theyre too busy to see that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to keep walking, just a bit, to be able to see it. and once you see it you'll know exactly where you're headed and know exactly how to get there.

on a lighter note, i think im going to be having the best summer.! i'll be driving, for one thing, and i get to do all this fun stuff with andy[: and were going to make a list of all those things and cross them off as we go along and hopefully by the end we'll have done almost all of those things(:

gahh!

and guess who's getting a car soon:D ahh yes i love my parents sometimes. i smell something, it smells like freedom.

find me a short film festival please! i'm dying to just watch all these meaningful, touching, heart-warming, strange, undiscovered and deep films and become inspired by all of them. i want to try and be vegetarian again! for the third time...sorry piglet):

doooooo

yess[:
so its all good. all the salt settled to the bottom of the cup half full of water.

i know i'm not going.

i know i'm not going.

i dont think im going

i dont think im going

compression

i dont know how i ended up here.
but i came across this forest with trees.
and the trees had beehives
and these beehives had bees in them.
not bad bees, cute bees. tons.
so i shook the beehive to make the cute bees come out.
so one came out to say hello.
and in the middle of our conversation,
more and more bees started coming out.
these bees won't kill me,
but i know they'll hurt.
and the sad part is,
i can't run away from them because
i don't know which way i came from.

sign the waiting list

late starts always seem to make me happy(: i always have such a nice time at ashley's house. even if we almost die at burger king. and have little asian grandma ladies tell us were crazy!

and i really think this whole week will contain the same feelings. i keep getting good news everywhere i turn. and i keep hearing the best things: best songs, best voices, best jokes, best news about dr. phil (my hero[:) i dont want to go back! i want to stay like this! but it's so hard. i can do it(:

i think i can pretty much do anything.

and i still can't wait for the future.

oh, excuse my memory

another decision changed: dont think i'll free up my schedule next year. with my luck, i'll end up being bored all day, every day. i'd rather have a guarantee of things to do. why am i so indecisive?!@ i have no clue, but it needs to change--soon.

one thing that i know i can keep my decision about is how amazing last sunday was, and how i want to live it over again everyday. i dont know if anyone gets that way about stupid things (well, it's really not that stupid. it's the best place ever.) but me and mel sure wish we had a time machine. Why do i love being in huge crowds with weird people and feeling like i know every single person? no clue, but it's pretty nice.

and i'm pretty excited about next year. Full of everything pretty much. I vow never to have a dull moment HAHA! i refuse! i will not let myself be bored, i will not let myself get lazy, i will not hold myself back like i've done the past million years of my life. it's just not an option(:

BTH#1:05-03@10.3a !!

so i'm pretty much in a great mood right now, today was nice. nothing bumped me the wrong way, every song sounds good to me, nobody got on my nerves, im pretty much getting smarter fianlly!, and i'm just excited overall. haha overall:OVERALLS ew remember those? someone buy me some! and buy me some long johns! for when it gets cold(: i love my brain.

You should've taken the offer when i put it in your hand.

Now you're asking me for that second chance back?

Too late baby, i threw it in the sand.

It washed away with the ocean of my tears, and now your sad?

calm yourself

so i decided to free up my year next year. focus on school and whatnot. mostly just have time to be with people i like. me&mel are going for a hunt to find perfect people haha. and find fun places to go with fun things to do. because i am not wasting another year. i'm going to discover things and uncover things and cover things up. i'll be driving. i'll have a job. what could go wrong, right?

this end of week+weekend were thee best with mel &family. we still can't take pictures of ourselves underwater, but thats ok. we only need like 2 good ones right? "What did i said?" bahah! and little kids and their boogie boards in the pool. and plans to go on a road trip. i'm so excited for next year, you have no idea.

and im still to missing how i used to be. i'm turning into everyone else--my biggest fear. i need to start thinking and speaking for myself again. its not good to turn into a robot. just when i was melting the aluminum already.

and music is taking over again. it's disease. but good.


i need some glasses ):
im getting my eyes checked soon. it's hard to read the computer screen and such.

real quick

san diego:fun; coming home for 5 hours then going back:fun; the rest of this weekend:fun; going back to school:bad. dont make me gooo!

i say we fight with words instead.

i really wish i could get into people hearts and make them see what i see and what everyone else sees; so much easier that way.

newcamera!
&i miss how i used to be ):

lucky number nine

so october is definitely going to go as planned!
permit test today--100%
thanks to yolanda, who gave me her test
and i ended up getting the same test[[:
i was soo close to laughing when i was taking the test HA!
luck like this comes like once every year for me haha.

what made you so scared
maybe you're mistaken for someone who cares

tomorrow i go shopping finally[: mmyay
and then rest of the week goes to mel in san diego(:
this week didnt turn out as bad as i thought.
and now i got my mom in a good mood since i did so good
which is nice too(:
ahh more happy today^^

and ps.the dmv was full of hair gel ><

straight to video

yesterday @ babmboozle
was amazingg
i really wish everyday of my life was that good
i just love being in big crowds(:
and all the energyy.
got to see some amazing people play. got 3OH!3's ass in my face. felt the sweat of Mike Busse on my hand. watched fat "skelton club kids" jump. bought cute glasses. made new favorites. got bruises on my feet from fags trying to watch chiodos. got nasty water thrown in my hair. stupid lady spilled beer on my foot. felt quite relieved. saw a dress i want for prom. got free stickers HA! made a plan to go again next year, but both days. ! and jeffree star has interesting back-up dancers haha!

tomorrow is big.
tomorrow is huge.
tomorrow depends on if november october will really be as good as it should be.

You're the element of surprise that none of us were prepared for
The dead body behind the curtain that we couldn't help but stare towards
This afternoon you were an only child and a friend to me
This evening you're not breathing you're just the seed of a memory

mel always makes my days of staying home that much better. even if my mom says she wont take me anywhere this week-__- that's fine. i'll find rides. it's really not that hard.
i cannot wait until next year. really, i cant.

and i just noticed how much music has an impact on my life. if i could live it everyday, i would. why? ha good question mister.

Something really hard to think about: how long does it take for a thought from your brain to get to your mouth? haha and how do conversations start?
ahah i love being in good moods(:

silence is golden

i've had the best and worst couple of days
my computer has finally been fixed and working right
i'm finally on spring break
hung out with fun people on friday
and today is cue with the bfffl
![:
anddd i dont have to go to that dumb baby shower my mom was going to make me go to. and she finally went and got my perfume and stuff. i just need those earphones! and cut extensions! but thats ok i dont need them right away. just soon. !

i've realized how much i love listening to people. and listening to peoples opinions. its so interesting. everyone has different thoughts inside their heads.

for the first time in my life, EVER in life, i was stressed about school. like to the point where i couldnt sleep. weird right? HA! but then we figured everything out pretty much so no more stressing for me for the most part. there's still other things i need to take care of to get rid of my stress levels and whatnot. my brain waves are out of control!

and thankyou thankyou little baby jesus for letting my itunes play. it's so nice to hear these rythms and words again(:

i always seem to have the most fun with the most random people
i absolutely love it[:
and today was quite fulfilling

take me out now, i've dropped the mast down

computer:fixed[:
so so so happy!
everything is good!
yay yay yay
can't think!
((((:
haha i feeel like watching mean girls(;

i'll be ctrl-alt-deleting your face with no reservations

fast fast fast day.
tomorrow better be faster.
yes? maybe so? mmplease!

kjfhskfh i hate when i get discouraged
right when im feeling good
i disappoint myself
time&time again.
whennn am i going to stop?!
i need a blind fold.
and some earmuffs!

i hate when people compliment themselves
i hate when people think they look cute when they dont
i hate when people thinkn highly of themselves when they shouldnt
i hate when people get on my nerves for no reason.

breatheeeee.

"BEWARE" the sign on the door suggests
I'm better off with artificial intelligence

hm. my mood changed that fast.
dont care anymore.
you kiddos can be who you want
i'm just going to sit back and laugh(:
i'll see YOU 5 years from now
in a hospital dying with AIDs
ahh that was mean.
HA!


so right, yet, so wrong.
mhm(:

yeth

computer is getting fixed tomorrow!
yes! yes! yes! yes! yes!
and the rest of bathing suit came in the mail while i was gone on vacation ? yea, just a little late thanks. but its still cute and i didnt even need it. im hoping it'll get hot again ): not too hot.

If i were in your shoes i'd run a thousand miles just to tell you.
If i were in your room, using just my eyes i would tell you.

and im in a suprisingly good mood. it's quite nice. and i'd like to keep it please(: and i've come to the conclusion that my plan is going to work perfectly and that i cant wait for next week. fixed computer! HA! anddd getting the extensions cut for sure. anddd shopping maybe? anddd one week close to spring break(: which will be filled with fun. yesss.

and i'm really excited to be old.

i want an i touch. and a new phone. would anyone care to buy me either and/or both? oh thank you, your so kind. and buy me a plan ticket to london so i can get out of here. id really love to leave.!

ahh im excited for nothing!

hot breeze

so palm springs isnt hot
and im not getting dark
yay[:
my plan is going perfectly.
and i have perfect service
and its nice and cold at night
and theres internet
and we brought good snacks
and nobody is bugging me.
perfecttt![:
no really, i'm having good time.
except for one thing.
but other than that, it's all good.

plan for next week:

1. get new ipod earphones
2. get extensions cut
3. put blonde and racoon a peice in the extensions
4. fix our dang computer
5. get my short schedule for next year
6. make a deal with my mom that involves $$$

sounds like a plan stan(:

the magical amount

yeee i leave tonight to go to palm springss(:
ha whyy am i so excited? possibly because i wont be going to school tomorrow?
and im really excited to go get myg extensions cut so i can finally start wearing them again. they were getting nasty.

and my bathing suit finally came today! sososo cutee(: there isnt one thing i dont like about it. i usually find at least something but this ones perfect.
and allison moves into her new house in like 2 weeks andd she will have a pool yay(:
and when i get my permit then get my license i drive over there all the timee! ahaha

ahh im so awake right now! i just wish i didnt have to go to practice so my energy bubble wouldnt get burst(ed?) ): i need to learn how to spell better. and i just realized how fast this year went. like super super fast. were already doing registration stuff. thank god im getting out before lunch next year. can't wait to be able to go home early! finallyyy.

ugh i really need to go put clothes away and pack-___-

^^^stuck in my head all day!

news flash: momma said no to london in the summer ):

truth or dare

i'm really missing certain old things.

things i used to have

things i used to love

things i used to do

things that used to bug me

words i used to say

people i used to depend on

views i used to have

the way i used to look at everything.

i wish i could cut out everything i dont need anymore and replace it with what i used to live for. and then maybe everything would fall where it should and look how it should and be how it should. between now and then there has to be a happy medium. somewhere! unless.. i havent reached the middle yet? maybe its farther away than i thought? or i passed it?

phrases i cannot stand:
"DGAF"
"not gonna lie"
"my bests"
"i'm so random"
"i'm down"
"thats chill"
"it's not an obsession, it's love"
say these around me and i might forget who you are(:

light headed-ness

late starts= !:D
i lovee going to ashley's house in the morning and eating big fat chicken nuggets the size of my fist. and i love her cat felix. and i love how i get an orange spot on my nose and then dont notice until lunch!haha but..
for some odd reason this week seems to be going by too slow.
it's not like i'm dying for this weekend to start. except for the fact that i get to spend 2 hours in a car with yolanda&chantel! but other than that it doesnt seem like too much. for one thing, i'm going to palm springs:old people land! and it's hot there. yeah, i'd rather not burn to a crisp, thankyou. i should probably go find some hat to wear or a visor. and reapply sunscreen every 30 minutes(: this year my goal is to get less of a burn and more of a stay-the-same-color-year-round color ?

and let's hope i dont get more bruises than i just recently got.

1. dead arm
2. another bruise
3. popped vein in the other arm
4. socked in the mouth &thought my lip ring ripped through ><

ha nottt fun. but it actually didnt hurt as bad as i thought. mind over matter HA! and i decided to stop complaining. it wastes so much energy. and then i wont feel like a hypocrite when i tell people to shush and suck it up. i'm becoming blunt(: yea feels good. i'm not going to be really nice anymore, at least if i dont have reason to be. i really do treat others how they treat me. your welcome(:

and i think it's weird that i like emily dickinson. even though i would hate to live how she did: alone, stuck in a house, sending fruit down to passing children. WHO DOES THAT?? haha poor lady.


DOUBT me, my dim companion!
Why, God would be content
With but a fraction of the love
Poured thee without a stint.
The whole of me, forever,
What more the woman can,—
Say quick, that I may dower thee
With last delight I own!

It cannot be my spirit,
For that was thine before;
I ceded all of dust I knew,—
What opulence the more
Had I, a humble maiden,
Whose farthest of degree
Was that she might
Some distant heaven,
Dwell timidly with thee!

blahblah.hello

Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.

today: quite uneventful.
it just so happens that the school district likes to ruin my plans for this week and end up scheduling spring break for 2 weeks from now. why? 3 words: ruled. by. faggots.
the upside could be better weather that week, possibly? that should be quite a nice weekend too. since my dad doesnt know how to plan anniversay trips (:

i've just realized that one year from now i'll be extremely excited.
i'll almost be done with school, planning where to live (since i'm moving the hell out the soonest chance i get) and be 5 months away from being 18.
okay, so it doent sound as nice as it did a mniute ago. but it's still better than right now. which is 100% better than a year ago, and even better than the year before that.
everything keeps getting progressively better. more life in my life now? i guess.

i can't wait to go to london with yolanda this summer! most likely going to be thee best summer of my life. i kinda feel like i'm supposed to be there. not here, in california, in boring old diamond bar. sucks. i wish england wasnt so far away so i could move there and stay forever. it seems so much more mature over there(: and france isnt too far away either.

ahh! all this london talk makes me want to watch Parent Trap! <-best movie ever pretty much. why?whooo knows. i just like it, thats all. (: i've always wanted to be annie..

INEEDMYPERMIT!
+tomorrow=FUN
thankyouu.


ps.i'm excited that GAW gets to play with saosin:D